still learning

Let me be real with you for a second. A few months ago, I was pretty miserable. I wanted out. Out of this house. Out of North Carolina. For Matt to be out of seminary. Out, out, out. It had been a hard few years here, and I was exhausted and fed up. All I was allowing myself to see was what I perceived us to be lacking. The thrill of moving to a new town away from family and friends had long worn off, and I was consumed with discontentment. As you can imagine, I was a real ray of sunshine around here. Not.

By the grace of God, a few months ago, he pulled me up from this slippery slope of self-pity and utter discontentment. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that this happened overnight, but through a series of unexpected events (which I believe were completely God-ordained), tons of prayer, and of course lots and lots of tears, it was as if a switch was flipped.

At long last, I was able to step out of myself and really believe that God was for me, not against me.

That He Has better plans for my present and future than I have.

That He might actually have good intentions in placing us in this small town far from our church body, family, and friends. At long last, I have finally allowed myself to settle in and put down roots here (although admittedly hesitantly). And of course, as you could have guessed, this arduous process has paved the way to greater satisfaction than I could have imagined last year.

Is our future any clearer?
Nope.
Do I suddenly have a huge community of friends way out here in Clayton?
I wish.
Am I still crazy ready for Matt to graduate from seminary?
Um, yes. Honesty counts for something, right?

Back in the beginning of my years at William and Mary, I hit some rough waters. Through navigating these waters, I came to a life-altering understanding of my identity in Christ. In hindsight, had I not come to the end of myself through these struggles, I fully believe I never would never have been prepared to meet and start dating my future husband the following year.

Is God all-powerful? Yes. Could He have brought Matt into my life irregardless of my circumstances? Of course. But does He sometimes use our pain for His glory as He fixes our eyes on Him rather than ourselves? Absolutely.

Ten (?!) years later, in light of my more recent rollercoaster ride, I cannot help but smile as I consider what God has planned for our family. I can’t promise I will enjoy every dip and turn, but I do know that the One in control of it all knows what’s up.