2015 was a big year for us. Big move. Big decisions. Big feelings.
Okay, so maybe I always have big feelings. To quote Lady Gaga herself, “I was born this way.” BUT. Lately, I’ve been a wee more, well, feely. A bit of a weepy basketcase some may suggest.
Just days ago, Matt and I were wrapping up another day of Christmas merriment when I sat down on the cold floor of the bathroom and cast a sheepish look his direction. I then, in one long breath, exhaled something along the lines of, “Ohmygosh Matt, I just feel like God gave me all this passion and all of these experiences and desires and I JUST DON’T KNOW what to do with it all!” And then I cried. Because that’s just what I do, people. Deal with it.
Meanwhile, Matt, offered what he always offers: a listening ear and permission to feel and to dream. He’s a good one, my friends. “Alright. Here we go,” he said in a maybe-too-chipper way, as he settled into the bathroom to listen to me attempt to wrap words around all that my heart has been feeling. Let’s just say, this ain’t his first rodeo. These conversations are a dime a dozen around these parts.
It’s funny. We moved to this new town to be closer to our church community and to put down roots for the first time in our ten years of marriage. To feel settled once and for all. And it’s been wonderful. However, here I am, seven months post-move, feeling more unsettled than ever. Experiencing this strange dissonance in my life, like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing yet aching for so much more.
Yearning to see my passions turn into action. For my callings to become something. To do. To be. For Him. Because surely He wouldn’t have placed all of this desire and passion in my soul for nothing, right?
And still, God says, “Wait.”
I wave my hands around wildly in the air or quietly lift my voice in a teary heap on the floor, offering up the only prayer I can: “Here I am, God. Use me.”
And God impresses on my restless heart, “Here I am, Catherine. Look to me. Gaze upon my beauty. Rest, my child. Rest in me.”
Just this morning, I read words penned by Saint Augustine that were so timely I have already deemed them to be my mission statement of 2016:
“You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”
As we spend our coming days dreaming up big dreams and writing out lofty resolutions for the year ahead, may we remember that we will never- not ever– be satisfied or fulfilled in this life until we can learn to rest in the sufficiency of our God. And then, from that sacred place of rest in Him, we can trust that He will send us out. To do big things with our big passions. In His name. And for His glory.
Happy 2016, my friends.