I think when any woman gets pregnant, she quickly develops a very idealistic mentality when it comes to how she plans to raise her perfect little child. I know I did. “Only the absolute best for my baby,” I thought as I dreamed of predictable sleep schedules, educational outings, and shielding little baby eyes from the evil television set.
And then he was born… and as realism trumped idealism, the nagging mommy guilt began.
First it was the caffeine. As a nursing mother, I felt guilty for falling back into my caffeine addiction after having been “clean” for the entire nine months of my pregnancy. Then, when I started working again, the guilt of leaving my boy (though in the ultra capable hands of his daddy) was overwhelming. All the “good mothers”, it seemed to me, were those who could be stay at home moms.
Then, today, came the guilt from placing my wild child in front of the tv as I tried desperately to put some clothes on and get ready for the day. Worse yet, the only somewhat appropriate thing I found on tv was “The Wiggles”. He was transfixed, and I was somewhat disburbed by grown men singing and dancing and… wiggling… to baby songs. It just didn’t seem very… manly.
As my mind is filled with all of these thoughts of inadequacy, I am thankful that God then speaks truth to my heart. I realize that no, I am not and will never be the perfect mother. Not only that, but my worth is not found in how many books I read to him in a day (he would much rather just rip out the pages and eat them) or how many mind enriching experiences I expose him to on a daily basis. Rather than getting caught up in all of this, I will just love my little boy with all that I have and lean on God for wisdom and mercy as I continue to learn.