when your response to God’s “will you?” is “well, crap”

There’s a funny thing that happens when we come to God with our gifts… our passions… our past pain and future hopes… our abilities and desires and all the things that make us tick… and we hand them over to God saying, “Here, God. Use it. All of it. Use me.”

Wanna know what happens?  Well.  He actually hears us. He hears us. You guys, GOD LISTENS TO US. And he answers.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes His answer isn’t easy.  Or comfortable. Sometimes it’s downright messy. Just yesterday, I was on a call with someone who was asking me to help out with something. Something that would be no big deal to many. But something that felt almost laughable to me. Alright, so I did laugh. “You want ME? To do WHAT?”

But before the inappropriately timed laughter, you wanna know my first reaction?

“Well, crap.”

I’m so holy.

“Well, crap,” I thought. “I’ve been praying for God to use my story and my passions, and here He goes again. Doing just that. Actually answering my prayers. Getting all up in my junk and in my comfort. Am I actually cool with this?”

You see, I’ve been in this season of praying those “God, have me. Use me. Send me. Anywhere. Anything.” prayers more often and more fervently than I have in a long time.  Because, here’s the deal- this past year has afforded me more margin in my life than I’ve had in years. Time to get still and quiet and to reflect on how I’m wired. How God created me. What fires me up. Makes me weep. And how all of this can be used for God’s glory and His story.

When I made the choice to take a hiatus from my job in healthcare, it was a decision that was fraught with uncertainty and insecurity. I knew it was what I needed to do, but I had no clue how it would play out. Put simply, I just didn’t have the faith to believe that God’s plans were best.

Yet, here I am. A year into that decision, marveling at how perfectly God orchestrated this interlude in my career in pediatrics. Y’all, he knew. He knew I needed time to pause and regroup. Time to sit and rest in His love and enoughness. Time to lean into Him with my full weight, learning once again that He is strong enough to trust with my everything.

Here’s what I’ve learned though… I’ve learned that He’s loving, yes. And I know that He’s powerful; we see that in the glorious empty grave. But He’s also so gentle. I didn’t hand God my “yes” only to be sent careening wildly off a cliff. No, He has taken one little “yes” at a time, reassuring me every. single. time. that His very presence goes with me. Always. Equipping me. Strengthening me. So that, when the Lord chooses to use me in all of my insufficiencies and inadequacies to do something that feels a little riskier, a little weightier, I already know deep in my soul that He is worth it.

I’m certainly no Biblical scholar, but I’d like to think God is just fine with our “well, crap” responses. Because, in a world that places such high value on independence and self-sufficiency, our “well, crap” is essentially an uninhibited confession of our inadequacies. So, as long as our “crap” is followed by faith-fueled obedience, we can keep moving forward. Eyes fixed on Jesus, our sole source of strength and hope.

By the way, I said “yes”.  Yes to that request that makes me all squirmy and yet so wild-eyed with excitement.  Because I’ve found that few things are more thrilling- and at times, terrifying- than offering your everything and then watching God move as He begins taking you up on that crazy offer.