A part of me worries that I’m feeling all wrong. Last week, I had an impromptu phone therapy sesh with a sweet, unsuspecting customer service lady at overstock.com. She THOUGHT she was on the line to help process my order for an area rug. Silly her. Little did she know, with one push of a button, she’d be the recipient of all my tears and emotions that Tuesday afternoon.
For what it’s worth, I ended up purchasing two rugs instead of one. Hey thanks, overstock. Your customer service people are VERY PATIENT AND KIND GEMS OF HUMANS.
The emotions that are tangled up in this process of going and coming are just that: tangled. Messy. Unpredictable. Here I am, weeping over discount carpets while my eyes stay dry in the moments that are actually significant. My daughter’s baptism. Our commissioning. Goodbye parties. And I think that’s okay. Or so I’m telling myself.
At the very least, I am remembering anew that my emotions simply cannot dictate my obedience. Nor can I rely on my feelings as foolproof guideposts to life. Because y’all wanna know what my precious feelings are speaking over me these days?
“GIRL, YOU SO CRAZY.”
“What are you even doing? You love that dog! Don’t give her up! And your DREAM HOUSE, CATHERINE. You’ll never get a chance at owning something like that again. Kiss. It. Goodbye.”
Words creep in. Words like irresponsible, reckless, naive, unworthy. I try to shut them down- tune them out- but somehow I start to internalize and make them personal. My heart- this heart the world says I’m to follow– spots risk and wants to hightail it outta there.
And then, sometimes? Sometimes my heart soars and leaps. It beats in a carefree, fanciful rhythm, prepped and ready for this next season. I hear people refer to our move as a “great adventure” and feel all kinds of warm and happy emotions rise up within.
“YASSS! An adventure! We got Jesus. We got each other. Saddle up your horses, y’all… we got a trail to blaze.” (Those of you who were not raised on 1990s Christian contemporary music just missed that reference, and I’m a tiny bit sad for you. Those of you who were, it’s stuck in my head too. So. You’re welcome for that.)
Adventure or not, those feelings, too, are fleeting. And they simply will not sustain.
Basically, here’s the deal. The pace is picking up. The boxes are getting packed. We are now approaching those important, in-bold-and-italics dates that have been looming for so long. This is happening. But you know what’s not happening? I’m not riding the wave of every emotion that comes in, and I’m certainly not following my heart. Because clearly- CLEARLY- my heart is all over the flippin place, and no one knows where it’s gonna land any given day. But I’ve got truth that will not budge. I’ve got a God who will never change. And I’ve got his guidance that beats the pants off of any overstock.com employee-turned-therapist.
I’d be completely remiss if I didn’t ask for prayers over the coming days. In the next 10 days, we will be saying goodbye to Lucy… we’ll be crating most of our remaining belongings…. we’ll be saying goodbye to the bulk of everything else… and we’ll be moving out of the house we love so much here in Wake Forest. It’s a lot. A lot a lot. So, we’d love prayers for our peace. For comfort. For TRUTH to trump fear and lies in our hearts and minds. For sleep. For our kids’ hearts in the midst of all of these goodbyes and transitions. And for all these dang logistics to play out as smoothly and easily as anything like this can play out. We appreciate it more than you know.